Today, I am here to talk about the greatest threat to the health and welfare of everyday Americans since… since… well, ever.

No, not drugs.

I’m talking about the Girl Scouts.

Oh sure, they look all cute and adorable in their little uniform get-ups, but ah, that’s just part of the ploy. For behind that innocent facade lurks the truth, the threat to your health that’s always there waiting for you. That’s right…

…Girl Scout cookies.

I mean, come on. At only three dollars a box, they don’t even have to tempt you with the old “the first one’s free” bit. The first one’s only three freakin’ dollars! And so is the next one. And the next. And the inevitable next one after that. Boxes upon boxes of sugary, buttery wafers of death, ready to fill your body with god-knows-what manner of this and that and the other.

“So why do you bother eating them if they’re so bad for you?”, you may be saying. And to that, I say, “Put away those wagging fingers of accountability and responsibility, for we are not here to address those issues. We are here to blame.”

It’s not my fault, you know. Blame the Samoas. And the Tagalongs. But most of all, blame those cursed Thin Mints in their glossy green cardboard boxes. The Thin Mints that are worse than crack (or so I’d imagine—but who needs to try crack when there are Thin Mints?).

We’ll wage war on anything and anyone as long as the public will buy it, but I ask you this: WHO WILL TAKE ON THE GIRL SCOUTS??! If we don’t take them on, they’ve already won. Or… umm, or something like that.

Now here’s your three dollars—gimme another box. The six that are already in the fridge are getting lonely.