How to know when you got it right

A week or so before we were married—about two years ago now—my sweetie bought me a card, to be given to me on some future occasion. I, of course, had no idea she had bought such a card. Turns out that occasion was today. The reason: no real reason—it just seemed like the right thing to do.

During lunch today, I ducked out and got her a card, to be given to her when I got home. The reason: no real reason—it just seemed like the right thing to do. (Of course, I told her I was celebrating the fact it was eight days after the 11th anniversary of the day we met—which would be February 18, 1993, in case you haven’t been keeping track.)

Not only that, it turns out the cards we gave each other today were almost identical.

It was just purely by coincidence that we both happened to think today was a good day to give each other these nearly identical cards.

Or maybe it wasn’t.

JUST SAY NO.

Today, I am here to talk about the greatest threat to the health and welfare of everyday Americans since… since… well, ever.

No, not drugs.

I’m talking about the Girl Scouts.

Oh sure, they look all cute and adorable in their little uniform get-ups, but ah, that’s just part of the ploy. For behind that innocent facade lurks the truth, the threat to your health that’s always there waiting for you. That’s right…

…Girl Scout cookies.

I mean, come on. At only three dollars a box, they don’t even have to tempt you with the old “the first one’s free” bit. The first one’s only three freakin’ dollars! And so is the next one. And the next. And the inevitable next one after that. Boxes upon boxes of sugary, buttery wafers of death, ready to fill your body with god-knows-what manner of this and that and the other.

“So why do you bother eating them if they’re so bad for you?”, you may be saying. And to that, I say, “Put away those wagging fingers of accountability and responsibility, for we are not here to address those issues. We are here to blame.”

It’s not my fault, you know. Blame the Samoas. And the Tagalongs. But most of all, blame those cursed Thin Mints in their glossy green cardboard boxes. The Thin Mints that are worse than crack (or so I’d imagine—but who needs to try crack when there are Thin Mints?).

We’ll wage war on anything and anyone as long as the public will buy it, but I ask you this: WHO WILL TAKE ON THE GIRL SCOUTS??! If we don’t take them on, they’ve already won. Or… umm, or something like that.

Now here’s your three dollars—gimme another box. The six that are already in the fridge are getting lonely.

Cry me a freakin’ river

It is with great joy and much hilarity that I’ve been reading the latest tales of woe coming out of Red Sox Nation, all related to the recent blockbuster trade that sent reigning AL MVP (and best position player in the majors) Alex Rodriguez from the Rangers to the Yankees. For the uninformed—and to truly understand Boston fans’ situation—you have to keep in mind that it was Boston that thought they’d secured a trade for Rodriguez a few weeks back, only to see it fall through at the last second.

The latest cries from Boston? Same as the old cries coming out of Boston—the Yankees are evil, the Yankees simply outspend everyone else, the Yankees are bad for baseball. What Sox fans seem to be forgetting are a couple simple facts:

  • I can guarantee with absolute certainty that had the Sox managed to pull of their trade for Rodriguez, you wouldn’t be hearing a single solitary peep out of Boston about spending or about the little guys that never had a chance at A-Rod. Guaranteed. But since (a) they didn’t get him, and (b) the Yankees did, you get to listen to the sour grapes of Red Sox Nation. You know how it goes: what’s good for us is good for us, what’s good for the Yankees is bad for baseball. What a bunch of pathetic, insecure hypocrites.
  • The Red Sox like to pretend that the Yankees are the only free-spending, bad-for-the-little-guy thugs. I won’t argue the free-spending part, as it would be silly to. But would you like to take a guess at who the second biggest spenders are? That’s right—Boston. They conveniently forget that they could have had A-Rod all to themselves if they’d just been willing to commit to a little (relatively speaking) more money, money that they could afford and would easily make up in marketing and such. They could have, but chose not to. The Yankees could have—and they did.

As to the last point, Peter Gammons said it best in his latest article posted to ESPN.com:

[T]he fact is for the Red Sox to cry about [the Alex Rodriguez deal] sounds whiney considering they have the second highest payroll in the game and are more than 20 percent higher than the third team. For Larry Lucchino to vent his frustrations on Bud Selig trying to get the commissioner to void the trade by invoking the best interests of baseball raised this question: if it’s not in the best interest of the game to go to the highest payroll, why is it in “the best interest” for him to go to the second highest payroll?

The Red Sox have built themselves a fine, fine team for the upcoming season, one that frankly scares the bejeezus out of this Yankees fan. But having lived in Boston for five years until fairly recently, I was counting the seconds until the moaning started once news of the A-Rod deal hit the press. It’s nice to know that you can depend on the most self-pitying fans in the world for something.

In short, Boston: Boo. F*cking. Hoo. You big babies.

And…

LET’S GO YANKEES! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*

I’m dreaming of a…

We may not have had a white Christmas, but a white Valentine’s Day? Step right up, ’cause that’s what we have! About 3–4″ overnight—a drop in the bucket compared to our brethren in the North and Northeast, but it’s big, big news down here in Texas!

Weird, though. In four-plus years of owning a satellite dish in Boston, I never once—not once!—experienced the dreaded “rain fade” (or snow fade, depending on the season). And that means four full New England winters worth of crappy weather. But with the first snowfall down here since we hooked up the dish, we had our first snow fade this morning, with the signal cutting in and out in bursts. Man, can nothing down here handle the snow? (If you understood how even the presence of a few flakes can throw people into a tizzy down here, that last line would have been a whole lot funnier.)

A long time ago…

This little snippet from the original CNN article says it all:

The original Star Wars trilogy, one of the most-requested DVD episodic film franchises, is expected to be released as a four-disc DVD box set September 21.

You thought the Lord of the Rings crowd was a bunch of geeks? Wait til you get a look at the lines that’ll be forming at the end of the summer…